Monday, July 04, 2005


Today I am so tired but am starting to understand where alot of my bad feelings are coming from to do with the group I have left. I have been on almost red alert since my friend and colleague died to anything in the group that could make the ones left behind hurt or upset. So every tiny thing I was not happy with I reacted badly to and because some of my feelings were ignored and walked on I felt they were letting her and family and friends down very badly. I think I have been almost panicking that one day I would have to say to the family and friends actually we failed and the group has gone and that whatever the reason I would be the one at fault. I know this is totally irrational but we thought so alike and were both in it from the start that I felt for a long while that it was only me that could make it what she would have wanted it to be. However my mum reminds me of a quote I saw around the time I was having a panic and it was something along the lines of a single snowflake does not an avalanche make. This really does apply completely in this situation and I am resolving now to keep away and try and enjoy other areas of my life such as my stitching and blogging instead.
I very nearly allowed this to destroy me as for 5 months straight its been one thing after another that has festered or upset and worried me. If I am honest I think its also got in the way of my grieving process and was also probably part and parcel of that same process. I can not make any excuses for the times I ranted and raved and was rude to my colleagues as grief is not an excuse but for these 5 months I have been so un-me and did on many occasions try and reach out for help but as I didn't know what help I needed it never came. Its almost as if at times I was being stripped of every little part of myself and my personality as I was dragged deeper and deeper into emotional turmoil.
Actually I think the biggest help I could have got was just to talk about it and not keep feeling others were more of a priority than me. Many a time one of my colleagues would not be around to listen when things got tough but they all seemed to find time for other girls when they had more than a feeling of friendship to them. I know this is the mans way and it sums up why men and women can't be friends and that in my view is because men will only go the extra mile for a woman they want something from. I am sure all men would deny this but I have observed it in its baldest forms and know that it is at least partially true if not completely true.
However these observations are allowing me to see that it isn't a flaw in my character that has made me unsupported and left out in the cold it is just human nature at its worst. I hope because I am starting to realise some of this that it at least won't make me bitter and angry forever and one day I hope to look back on all this and maybe not laugh but at least not feel any residual hurt.
As for today itself well its not been great as my blood pressure dropped alarmingly at dialysis and it was one of those times where your eyesight temporarily goes and I was quite scared and even shouted out I was dying. I knew underneath I probably wasn't but you almost feel your body slipping away somewhere and its a really horrible sensation.
So I am now taking it easy this afternoon and when I have come too a bit I will go and stitch and just generally use the evening to chill out and may even try and get an early night.

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