Monday, July 18, 2005

Today is going slowly

Today is going slowly and I am bored. I don't feel like doing a huge amount after dialysis so have surfed online and been planning my stitching. I also tried to do a blog quiz but the results page was full of adverts so after trying twice I gave up.
The weather is horrible today but at least the weekend was beautiful so I got to make the most of it and had the most relaxing one that I have had in quite some time.
I have been having alot of long thinks about the group I left and I am still 100% sure that I made the right decision at the correct time. I have been trying hard to do my usual thing of trying to find the reason why I am to blame but I know in my heart of hearts that to stay I would have gone down and down and I am sure it would have slowly destroyed me and no one gets like that by themselves. I am not sure to this day if I reacted worse to some of the stuff that happened because my friend had died and I was still coping with that or if I would have reacted like that anyway. But whatever the reason I felt deeply hurt and/or betrayed and you can't work with people who make you feel like that. I concede it probably wasn't intended to make me feel as bad as it did and it was a combination of circumstances that led to it, but it made me feel worse than I have felt in a very long time and thats when it has to stop.
The only thing I miss is not having people to talk to who understand the illness and what it does to you.Looking back I haven't felt able to talk to any of them for a long time because of the problems we encountered and the fact that alot of my trust was getting slowly eroded. Only one person who I helped alot did I reach out for when times were tough but more often than not I got no response or turned agony aunt that I just felt worse than ever.
So a new chapter starts though this is still all very much in my head and will be for quite some time but I am finding even the bad days are not as bad as they once were.

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