No lottery win

Got zilch on the lottery last night but with one ebay auction coming in today for £15 I am only £10 shy of the MTM kit-Yayyyyy. I may just order it anyway as I still have to decide on fabric and October is coming on us really fast. Luckily I am saving some money on this as I already have a good portion of the Rainbow Gallert petite treasure braid so as I am taking those I have out of the kit it will be reduced a bit.:-)
No other real news except I am again stitching loads as I am tired and my brain is trying to think about stuff i don't want it to so am burying myself in my stitching in a bid to not think. I am on the second corner of MVIII Part 8 and realised it probably would have looked ok with the variegated silks on the last corner if I had carried on. However I am still happy with it this way so will leave it be. I thought I would have to frog it after my first evening on the other corner as I always have the salvage edge at the bottom and start each part top left. When I took my first evenings stitching off I had started in the bottom right without realising. As luck would have it as I 'thought' it was the top left the stitches were in the correct direction AND the pattern matched. PHEW.;-)

Tired but had productive day

I managed to finish shopping for mums birthday today. Dad went out on a mission for the main part of it earlier this week and I took mum into Boots in town this morning and got her to pick something out. She chose two Sanctuary products which she wouldn't buy for herself so that is sorted. I just need to make a card this weekend and we are done and ready for Thursday.
I found crutching it round town a real effort today and feel absolutely shattered so am having a quiet day and just stitching with my feet up in front of the tele.
I have finished the first corner of MVIII part 8 so thats going well, but have been doing alot of matching up of variegated silks. This part is just two colours in a border and the blue matches ok, but the Graphite has very light to very dark patches which with the way my thread was going would have run through funny, but it looks ok now and I can start the next corner.:-)
I am nearly there on having enough money for one big Chatelaine kit and hope to sell some more stuff on Ebay and maybe strike lucky for the third week in a row on the Thunderball lottery so will be able to order the kit asap. I was keen on two other big garden kits too but am having second thoughts for various reasons on these at the moment, but the Medieval Mandala Garden is a MUST.

Productive afternoon

Spent the afternoon listing more stuff on Ebay so am 'slowly' collecting money towards my new Chatelaine purchases.
Tonight I plan on having a nice stitch and watch Big Brother eviction night and it is going to be Orlaith or Kemal who go. I am torn this week as I would like to see Orlaith go but also don't want them down to just one girl left in the house. However on balance Kemal does loads more and is very entertaining and I also think he is most likely to stay out of the two.
One piece of UK news is that it looks like they may have got 2 more of the 4 attempted bombers from July 21st so that is 1 more to find. Problem is they probably weren't working alone and this problem is not going away any time soon. :-(

Medallion Picture

Thought I would show my first attempt at using the Medallion stamp. I used red and black paper and card and gold embossing. I am still mastering embossing so used up more paper than was necessary lol. However here you can see a 6 layer Medallion also known as Mandala and with this design you can have up to 15 layers. I realised doign this today I am lacking in some papercrafting equipment so may have a little online spending later.:-)

Quick late night quiz

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Yep thats pretty much me. Goodnight all.

Ebay stuff is here

My stamps and glitters came from Ebay today-hows that for a fast service. I am going to have a go in a minute and see what its like.
It is soooo cold here today and I could do with the fire on. It IS July isn't it? I haven't somehow been magicked to another season like Winter when I wasn't looking? There is supposed to be a mini air display with the red arrows on the sea front today but the weather has closed in so I don't think the arrows will fly. They sometimes come over our house when they are turning which is always a treat to see but not sure its going to be our lucky day. This weekend is the Heli days festival which is OK if you like helicopters otherwise its all a bit dull-be an early start into town though before the car park fills up on Saturday morning.
No other real news here and I hope you are all OK.

Ebay buy

Well folks I succumbed to the Bay of E yesterday. I have lately been looking at Medallion stamps and after watching show on them on Createandcraft on Sunday I was sunk. So I got one stamp, a set of glitter, glue and applicator on Ebay to have a go and will let you know how I get on.
This morning I finished my rotation piece Royal Holiday and will move onto MVI soon. Inbetween I am working on my two Chatelaine Mysteries and a small yet undecided piece.
This afternoon I made a phone call to UK Transplant to order some stuff for the fundraiser I am helping to organise and have bagged loads of freebies suitable for old and young alike to help promote organ donation. Although I am not eligible for a Kidney at the moment if there were more avilable Sara could still be with us now and the the couple of people in my unit who are desperate for one wouldn't be suffering now.:-(
Unfotunately we lost another couple of patients in the last week, one was kind of expected but the other was a nice old man who had a sudden heart attack who had made several friends so its quite sad at the moment.
Hope you are all having a good day.

Remember the biscuit post?

Where I was musing the fact that having a broken foot and resting mean't lots of biscuit eating and that in turn I hadn't put on wieght? Well underwent fluid monitoring today and found out that I have put on about a Kilo which is just over 2 pounds in weight. Its not too much but easily explains why my BP has been so low as they have been trying to remove a Kilo in water thats not there. Hopefully now my BP will stabilise and I will start to feel a bit better. One of my major worries is being as I was about 4 years ago when I couldn't cross the lounge without almost fainting and ended up being given a special tablet to raise my BP. As I am still on the tablet it was a real worry in case it wasn't working and its possible thats still the case but as my BP was generally better today and I have put on wieght thats not so likely.
Stitching wise I am getting stuck into Midi I and really enjoying it, but been given a suprise early password for MVIII-arrghhhhhhh which to do lol. All those reading this who are doing a mystery go and check in case you also have a password. Midi I didn't have an early password thank goodness but she may have done it and early release for others. Luckily MVIII part 8 is small and involves just 2 colours so I think it will stitch up fairly quickly.

Re:Feeling better

I feel loads better today and its because I woke up with a cold. I think its being trying to come out which is why I have felt rough. I still feel like my BP is low so dreading tomorrow and dialysis. Blood Pressure needs to be a certain level to remove excess fluid as in theory it drops more as you take fluid off. I am going on fluid monitoring tomorrow which was a complete disaster last time but it needs to be determined if my low BP is lack of fluid or another problem.
Fluid monitoring is an extra machine that attaches to the filter on the dialysis machine and it tells the staff whether you have the right amount of fluid in your body. However the snag is that to tie the results up the patients BP needs to be taken every hour and as mine drops they don't then wish to remove any more fluid even though I feel ok. The strange thing is that if I wasn't on the monitoring my BP wouldn't be checked and then it would just carry on removing the fluid. Its kind of catch 22 but I do understand their viewpoint and the staff understand mine so I think at least that is half the battle won. We are after all working towards a common goal so I am going to try and keep calm and get it sorted.
Hope you are all having a good weekend.

Quick update

I am feeling a little better tonight but my big news is:

I won the lottery.

Ok it is only £15 on the Thunderball-got 3 on one line and one and the Thunderball on another but I am not complaining.

Feeling rough

Only a short blog today as I feel really rough. I went into town this mornign and got a couple of pairs of joggers from the Next sale and have been preparing my tablets for the week this afternoon and stitching a bit.
Tomorrow I am off to the big Next down the road which also does petite clothest to see what they have in the sale. Call me a mean old crone but I fail to see why Next need to open at 6:00am at the start of a sale. When I worked in retail it was bad enough starting at 8:00am but if someone had said we were opening 2 hours earlier than that I think most staff would refuse to come in-unless they were paid vast amounts for it. Come to think of it that should have been counted as unsociable hours so we should have got more for coming in early but in the later years all extra wages ceased when they were finacially in trouble. Ahhh the good old days when we got triple time for a Bank Holiday lol.

A new start

I am just off to watch Big Brother's eviction night but wanted to write that I did start Midi Mystery I yesterday. I don't expect to finish it in the timescale but it is an enjoyable and relaxing stitch so far.
The unit was ok but my BP was still mega low and causing all kinds of headaches for me and the staff alike-not literal headaches as my head is too swimmy for that but I can see this is going to be a saga of some degree. Decided not to let it bother me as I am sure it will sort itself one way or another and I don't need any more stress.
For some reason it has left me feeling terribly washed out and tired so i will probably not come back online tonight and just curl up in bed and chill.
Have a good weekend all.

Roses

These roses were fresh picked from the garden this morning and were so beautiful I had to share:



The smaller orange one in the middle is called Tequila Sunrise, the yellow one is a peace rose and the peach/pink ones I don't know the names of.
This is a close up of Peace's centre:

A little finish

Finished this a short while ago. It is Midi Mystery I tryout:



Not sure if this is ok as usually I think I see the picture and can't work my posts round it but just have the code this time.

What a day

I am so tired again and vowed to Blog everyday but have nothing to put so may change it to just blogging when I have news. Today was not nice as I had to spend over an hour longer at dialysis just to try and get my Blood Pressure up a bit. We have a sort of agreement to let me go if its no lower than 80/50 as I suffer from low BP anyway so that is 'acceptable' for me. However today it just wasn't budging and I got so frustrated just sitting there like a lemon waiting for something to happen. Eventaully the nurse said some peoples BP goes up when they stand-in most people it drops which is why they wouldn't let me go. But in desperation we decided to see if I was one of those people and I WAS which was good as I got to go home but bad as we could have done it ages before lol.
One bit of amusement was that they are trialling new modern dialysis machines and as I was almost the first in/last to go I got to see how it worked although I wasn't on it. I thought I was going to crack up with laughter when I heard this mobile phone tune and then realised it was the machine singing to say it was done. It was a novelty today but not sure how it would be with 15 of them all going off at once esp if they all have different tunes going. Watch this space as soon they will have dialysis machine ringtones to download lol. As long as the Crazy frog isn't one I could live with it. :-)
Off for a rest and a cuppa in a bit. Hope you are all Well.

So tired today

For various reasons I had an extremely bad night last night and I am now really tired today.
I managed to get myself going and got to the fracture clinic a bit early and it is mixed news on that front. I am out of plaster which is what I was hoping for but I didn't bargain on the extra part of it. The bit of my foot I broke tends to take longer to heal-why I don't know but apparently it does, so although a plaster is not necessary I have to wear my walking shoe and use crutches for another 6 weeks and if the pain gets worse I have to return to a plaster cast. :-( I remember the plaster technician telling me ages ago that it is an injury that heals itself but the plaster and shoe are more for pain control so I guess thats why I don't need the plaster at the moment. Oh well on the flipside is the fact that I was going to get some really lovely sandals this year but as its going to be August 30th now when I go back its not worth it. So bearing that in mind I will use the money for stash instead-so every cloud has a silver lining as they say lol.
I have been working out dates and commitments that are looming and will now be on crutches for my next hospital appt and our stitchers GTG. However I am determined I am not going to let it stop me and I will just work around the problems but also take it easy as I really want to be free of this lot before the Sara fun day which is the weekend after I go back to the fracture clinic so that may not be possible either. Although IF I am still on crutches it won't stop me going, just maybe not taking part in some of it-maybe leave the bouncy castle to the kids if there is one lol.

Today is going slowly

Today is going slowly and I am bored. I don't feel like doing a huge amount after dialysis so have surfed online and been planning my stitching. I also tried to do a blog quiz but the results page was full of adverts so after trying twice I gave up.
The weather is horrible today but at least the weekend was beautiful so I got to make the most of it and had the most relaxing one that I have had in quite some time.
I have been having alot of long thinks about the group I left and I am still 100% sure that I made the right decision at the correct time. I have been trying hard to do my usual thing of trying to find the reason why I am to blame but I know in my heart of hearts that to stay I would have gone down and down and I am sure it would have slowly destroyed me and no one gets like that by themselves. I am not sure to this day if I reacted worse to some of the stuff that happened because my friend had died and I was still coping with that or if I would have reacted like that anyway. But whatever the reason I felt deeply hurt and/or betrayed and you can't work with people who make you feel like that. I concede it probably wasn't intended to make me feel as bad as it did and it was a combination of circumstances that led to it, but it made me feel worse than I have felt in a very long time and thats when it has to stop.
The only thing I miss is not having people to talk to who understand the illness and what it does to you.Looking back I haven't felt able to talk to any of them for a long time because of the problems we encountered and the fact that alot of my trust was getting slowly eroded. Only one person who I helped alot did I reach out for when times were tough but more often than not I got no response or turned agony aunt that I just felt worse than ever.
So a new chapter starts though this is still all very much in my head and will be for quite some time but I am finding even the bad days are not as bad as they once were.

Mind made up on stitching

Today I decided to start the tryout for Midi I and then when thats done start the proper piece but have decided that I am not going to go all out to keep up and stitch on it between my rotation if I fancy a break-this is also known as the having your cake and eating it kind of stitching but it works for me lol.
I do want to get my number of WIPS down but I promised myself I would finish 2 things then start something, hence reducing my WIP pile and my stash. At one point this year I had 24 WIPS which is my highest ever and now have 20 so its heading in the right direction.
Right off to get a cuppa and stitch some more on the tryout. Later I am off to the outlet Next and sitting in the garden.
Oh and if everything goes well this week I have just 2 more full days in plaster. Not getting my hopes up toooo much but I am reasonably optimistic that I can get the plaster off and have some form of support for a bit on Tuesday. If you pardon the pun that is at least a step in the right direction lol.

Am I stupid?

Well see for yourself as I just took a test that I saw on Gina's and Scully's blogs:




I must be more stupid than the test says as I read the result wrong and thought it was telling me I was el thicko lol.

The simple things in life

I have just spent the best day that I have had in ages. I went shopping in town with mum this morning and only bought a few magazines. This afternoon I was just settling to my cross stitch when my friend said she was on her way. We had made tentative arrangements to meet and she had left the details on my mobile and I hadn't switched it on. Well we went to a park in town had an ice cream and let the world go by. It was really nice and very relaxing and although I feel somewhat antisocial at the moment I am glad I made the effort to go.
I finished my rotation round tonight which has posed a dilemma for me. Do I carry on and start the next round or start Midi I. I think I will see what grabs me tomorrow on that.
I also won a fiver on the Thunderball lottery so all in all a good day.

That time of the week again

Yes folks its Big Brother eviction night and what a night it should be. The housemates were told they would get lied to twice this week and the lies were these:

Nominations were optional.
Who has been nominated.

In a snapshot only 3 nominated and they have been told they are all up for eviction. In truth they are safe and the other non-nominators are ALL up for eviction. Neither set know this so 3 people are thinking one of those will go where in truth they are all totally safe. Add to the mix that the two with the highest number of votes from the other group then go to the housemates to decide who will actually go its likely to all kick off. I do hope they take it in good part but I am willing to bet several will have a mental barny.
Last night I did a bit more blog decorating and have added a calender and some more blinkies plus a shelf to hold them all. One of my favourites is the Scorpio cat which Scully found for me. I also like the bottom blinkie of the relaxing cat.
I finally finished my book on dialysis this morning so will start the Maeve Binchy-Nights of rain and stars later.

Crikey that was quick

Today I received another hospital letter again sent first class. This one I knew had to be my test/operation date. It wasn't but was related in that I have to see the consultant who is doing the test in his clinic first. I suppose its only good manners to introduce yourself before they start fiddling around with various parts of your body lol. Anyway it is on August 9th at 9:45 am so thats not too long to wait either. Strangely enough I don't feel freaked at the moment but once the test date is set I will be a jangle of nerves.
I have got some very usful stitching in on Angel of the morning and my magnetic board is a God send as I can have the fan on me without losing the chart lol. So far I haven't finished my book or even picked it up but I will try later. I seem to still be incredibly anxious at the moment and have started to have panic attacks again, but hopefully they will settle eventually.

Bit of Thursday fun

Just saw this on Gina's blog:



Which flock do you follow?
this quiz was made by


I think that is kind of accurate really. Though I am shy so often follow the crowd to fit in but that doesn't always work either lol.
Having a nice relaxing day, just stitching, surfing and chilling out.

More later.

The end of an era

Well today all my stuff belonging to the group went off with the courier and that as they say is it. There are one or two loose ends to tie up but for now the end is upon me.
I never actually thought I would leave completely but I know I am utterly doing the right thing. If I had stayed I would have been battered down and down and eventually have ended up as a little gibbering heap on the floor and as it was I wasn't far off that at times. Now I just hope that the baby this was to me is looked after well and gets to thrive.
No real other news today apart from the fact that dialysis was boring which is good because it means we all got through it with no drama and this afternoon I have chilled out and done some stitching. I am only 7 1/2 hours away from finishing this rotation round so will have to seriously consider whether to change it or stick with it. The thing is it seems to be working so maybe a good plan to just stick and see where it takes me. I think this will be 2 complete rounds through, but I am slow because of the Mystery projects I undertake as priority. There is only MVIII at the moment but I am likely to start Midi I soon so that will all change.
Tomorrow I plan to get some serious stitching in on Angel of the morning and to finish my book in the garden as the weather seems set fair.

Another consequence of a broken foot

Is that you feel well but you can't move very far or fast so inbetween stitching I am eating. I haven't put on any weight as yet but there are only so many biscuits you can eat before the hips start getting affected lol.
I actually haven't felt as physically well as I do at the moment for months and yet can't take advantage of it because of the foot-oh well with any luck this time next week the plaster will be off. I know the mental stress has dragged me down physically too but it hasn't been the best year health wise what with one thing and another but I think I am learning to live on a day to day basis-and today is good. :-)
I forgot to blog yesterday that Taffy had his jabs and his annual check up and he is really good for a 15 year old cat. Apparently according to a chart on the vets wall he is 72 years old in human years so hopefully all things being equal we will have him for a good while yet.
Talking of cats I saw a picture of the new kitten Gina is getting and it is just gorgeous and I am going to join a long queue of those wanting to play with it which must be getting longer by the day.

We Brits are never happy

Last week we were asking where our summer was and this weekend it arrives with a vengence and we complain its too hot lol. However tonight it is very oppressive and I fear another sleepless one coming on. Will have to go and sit in the garden tomorrow in the shade as that always makes me fall asleep so thats one way of getting SOME refreshement. Other than that I am feeling a bit better again but think this is gonna take awhile to get my head round so must try not to rush it.

Today it is over 30C

Wow its soooo hot-in fact it is TOO hot out there.

I am having a really down day today and want to cry but I don't really know why. I think the mess that my life is just keeps coming up again and again and though I desperately want to move on I am so unhappy and don't know what to do about it.
There is just far too much going on in my life now and I am finding it hard to cope with any aspect of it. I am hoping it is just a bad day but on that verdict we will have to wait and see.

More blog decorating

I have added some new blinkies to my blog and one I especially like and I had never seen it until Scully sent it to me yesterday. It is the scrolling cats at the top of the pile at the bottom. Each and every blinkie means something special to me and apart from the ones used for headings I will give a little overview of the others. I chose a summers day one because summer has finally come to the UK. The butterflies one is in rememberance of Sara who loved butterflies and even made our group logo a butterfly. The dragon one because I have always loved dragons and whereas butterflies were Sara's motif dragons or cats would be mine. Finally I am a Scorpio and that is my favourite blinkie that tells you so. I hope to find a nice blinkie shelf to hold them soon and maybe add some more bits and pieces.
Last night as some of you know I heard two sharp bangs in the neighbourhood and to both me and mum they sounded like gun fire. I am sure that now nothing has occurred and it was fireworks but it certainly gave us both a turn. Soon after I heard they were evacuating Birmingham city centre due to a security alert and was thankful my brother was away for the weekend. So much bad stuff seems to be going on at the moment and its such a shame as the majority of people just want a peaceful world.
Tonight I am cracking on with some stitching and just generally chilling out. My head is in less turmoil and I only find myself going over it all half the time now instead of the whole time. Unfortunately alot of that is late at night and sleep is not great but I still feel I did what was right and as long as that feeling stays I will have few regrets. Of course I regret not hanging in there and trying to sort it all out but I was fighting a losing battle on that and to stay would have made no difference except to just make me even more anxious and upset. A line has to be drawn sometimes and I had reached my personal limit on how far I could be pushed and actually feel quite proud that I made this stand. At one time I would have carried on come what may but now my own health comes first.

MVIII Part 7 finished

This is in record time for me. Not sure if its because of the foot I am not out and about so much or if this part is just small or a bit of both. But whatever the reason you can see it above. I am really pleased with how its coming along.

Its a scorcher

Crikey its HOT today. I found it almost too hot to cruch it round town this morning so we came home and had lunch and I have just started the last corner of MVIII part 7 so that should be finished by Monday at the latest. I then have a small piece of obligation stitching to do and once that is done I will start and finish the tryout for Midi I and then start the first part of it too. I am really looking forward to a new start. I haven't started anything medium/large for ages so this will be a nice change.
I have to look at my stitching properly once I am out of plaster as I would like to change my rotation and also make some WIPS redundant or look at possibly starting over on some because on at least one I hate the fabric and have only done about 10 hours. I also have a couple of obligation pieces to do which should be fun but would like to have them done on time. One is the Chatelaine Mystery Sampler I which is on the theme of friendship. I want to stitch this for the best friend of my friend who died. They were friends since schooldays and when Sara was first diagnosed with kidney problems Emily was fantastic to her and when we started the group Emily became a constant source of help and advice. Emily has since become a very welcome friend to me and in memory of Sara and her friendship I would like to stitch this for her. We are having a big fundraising day at the beginning of September for Sara and the group she set up so I would like to have it finished by then, but think that is unlikely. Time seems to have run away with me and almost passed in a haze this year so I can't quite believe its July already and although the piece isn't huge it is detailed so it may have to be a Christmas present instead.
The other piece of stitching I have until November to do, and that is the Just Nan birth Sampler for someone else from the group and his wife who have both been great. I always planned to stitch something as a suprise then they mentioned hoping I would do something so if they ask I may add something else to the repertoire.
But I do have more time and stitching is one of the most therapeutic hobbies I do so hope to at least get a few more finishes in this year. Talking of which, today I feel a bit better but know I will have good and bad days but I still know I did what was right for me.

The day after

Today has been surreal. The news is still obviously full of the bombs from yesterday and the personal stories are now coming in. The stories of those who against all the odds are still in the world today and those people who don't know what has happened to loved ones. I think that must almost be worse than any other outcome that someone just disappears and can't as yet be traced and family and friends are appealing on tv just for any news at all. I am so glad that everyone I know is safe and well but really feel so badly for those who now know the worst or are still waiting to find out.
Although this puts my problems into some kind of perspective I still at times am in a mental turmoil as to everything that has gone on and my reactions to it. But whether some of it is an overeaction to some things some of the bad stuff that happened can not be excused and, in my heart of hearts I know I have done the right thing for me so thats all anyone can go on.
I did have a nice suprise today as mum saw the new Maeve Binchy paperback on special offer in Sainsburys this morning and got it for me as a treat. I love Maeve Binchy novels and I think it was about 3 books back that was the last one she would ever write. I am pleased she wrote more but wonder sometimes why she carried on and so soon after saying that was the last one.
Tonight is Big Brother eviction again and I think it will be Science as he doesn't do a huge amount for the group. He also seems to be the only one who hasn't got in with one of the two distinct groups which I actually think is a good thing though at times it must be a bit lonely. So I shall watch that tonight, do some stitching and try and chill out which is something I am not very good at lately.

July 7th-The day the terrorists came

At 8:49 am GMT the terroists came to London and what we had all dreaded since 9/11 became a reality here in the UK. I am far away from London so though I was never in any danger I have many friends there and am so relieved to know they are all OK.
There have been 7 blasts on the Underground and even a bus has been ripped apart in Central London and it is such a sad day.
I have been glued to the news all morning and trying to stitch on MVIII whilst simultaneously checking my phone and seeing the latest updates from BBC News 24. There are reports of things going on which haven't been confirmed such as more buses being bombed and places outside of London being affected as well.
This is a sad day for the UK and the world and I hope we have seen the last of it but unfortunately I doubt it.

Really slow day

Its been a quiet non-eventful day today. I can't really settle to anything much so am trying to chill out as much as possible. I still feel unbearably sad and confused about everything that has happened and I am finding it difficult to put behind me. However I know I will get there with the help of my good friends and just have to accept it will take some time.
Stitching wise I have started corner 3 of MVIII and should have the whole thing finished over the weekend/early next week.

Half way through MVIII

And its only 5th of the month. I feel really positive that I will finish this part and the Midi 1 tryout as well as start part 1 of Midi 1 this month so that is all going well.
Haven't felt so well today but think its a left over feeling from yesterday plus I seem to have a cold or something coming on.
Some of my auctions finished today so I am slowly but surely getting the funds sorted for my next Chatelaine purchase and I have put some more things up to try and boost my funds.
Tonight I will chill out and watch Big Brother in a bit.

Blog decorating

I am really enjoying this blogging hobby and especially fiddling around with the look of it. I have now added my pics of the two cats by a fire. This is a print by Charles Wysocki and it was turned into a Needlepoint design and I actually managed to finish it. Though this is not my piece of work in the picture at the top it sums up the feeling of my blog perfectly.
I am gradually finding lots of cat pictures etc to add in and play around with so watch this space for more decoration. I also am really liking calendars and blinkies as well so some of those might appear at some point too.

Today

Today I am so tired but am starting to understand where alot of my bad feelings are coming from to do with the group I have left. I have been on almost red alert since my friend and colleague died to anything in the group that could make the ones left behind hurt or upset. So every tiny thing I was not happy with I reacted badly to and because some of my feelings were ignored and walked on I felt they were letting her and family and friends down very badly. I think I have been almost panicking that one day I would have to say to the family and friends actually we failed and the group has gone and that whatever the reason I would be the one at fault. I know this is totally irrational but we thought so alike and were both in it from the start that I felt for a long while that it was only me that could make it what she would have wanted it to be. However my mum reminds me of a quote I saw around the time I was having a panic and it was something along the lines of a single snowflake does not an avalanche make. This really does apply completely in this situation and I am resolving now to keep away and try and enjoy other areas of my life such as my stitching and blogging instead.
I very nearly allowed this to destroy me as for 5 months straight its been one thing after another that has festered or upset and worried me. If I am honest I think its also got in the way of my grieving process and was also probably part and parcel of that same process. I can not make any excuses for the times I ranted and raved and was rude to my colleagues as grief is not an excuse but for these 5 months I have been so un-me and did on many occasions try and reach out for help but as I didn't know what help I needed it never came. Its almost as if at times I was being stripped of every little part of myself and my personality as I was dragged deeper and deeper into emotional turmoil.
Actually I think the biggest help I could have got was just to talk about it and not keep feeling others were more of a priority than me. Many a time one of my colleagues would not be around to listen when things got tough but they all seemed to find time for other girls when they had more than a feeling of friendship to them. I know this is the mans way and it sums up why men and women can't be friends and that in my view is because men will only go the extra mile for a woman they want something from. I am sure all men would deny this but I have observed it in its baldest forms and know that it is at least partially true if not completely true.
However these observations are allowing me to see that it isn't a flaw in my character that has made me unsupported and left out in the cold it is just human nature at its worst. I hope because I am starting to realise some of this that it at least won't make me bitter and angry forever and one day I hope to look back on all this and maybe not laugh but at least not feel any residual hurt.
As for today itself well its not been great as my blood pressure dropped alarmingly at dialysis and it was one of those times where your eyesight temporarily goes and I was quite scared and even shouted out I was dying. I knew underneath I probably wasn't but you almost feel your body slipping away somewhere and its a really horrible sensation.
So I am now taking it easy this afternoon and when I have come too a bit I will go and stitch and just generally use the evening to chill out and may even try and get an early night.

My poor head

It is again all over the place. I don't know what to do for the best and cannot believe I have allowed a bunch of people to cause me such pain and misery. Last night I tried to tie up a few loose ends and tried to build some bridges and tried to chat about why I have left. I wanted to try and explain that I realised I was ill and it wasn't all their fault but I left before I got worse. Anyway in the usual typical way these things go I hadn't got very far before it was decided that they absolutely had to go offline at that exact moment. It always happens and it always hurts:just when I need to talk they disappear or on other occasions trawl out all their problems and then leave. I give up now as this is mean't to be a supportive group but I was not the agony aunt and needed some help myself but never ever got it and in fact I have given so much and had so much of my spirit sapped from me its just not worth it.
I want to be that happy person again, the one who laughed and saw the fun in life and its not just them but they are a big part of why I am the crumbling mess I am at this point in time but now the loose ends are tied we can all move forward.

Good/bad health news

I will start with the bad:Today I got a letter telling me my fracture clinic appointment for Tuesday had been postponed for 2 weeks so it looks like I will definitely be in plaster for the 6 weeks then.:-(
However with that letter came another First Class from Bristol and this was from my Kidney consultant and he has managed to have his meeting with the surgeon since Tuesday. The verdict is that it is not a definite no to having a transplant but I do need some further tests and the one they have booked me in for involves cameras and dyes where its best not to think about. :-(
I think it is a lucky thing that it will be under general anaesthetic although I don't much like them at least it will spare me the indignity of knowing whats going on. So this is a step forward I didn't even think we would reach.:-)
I was actually suprised that I got any news at all especially so quickly and I was just leaving the house when the postie came and something in me said wait for the post even though I am not expecting anything. So I sat in the car with mum and dad and read the letter. Of all the scenarios of how I would get news on the issue this was not one I considered especially so near to being in clinic. I was so shocked at getting news and what the letter said I didn't read the fracture clinic one properly and assumed it was confirmation of the appointment on Tuesday not a change-good job mum read them both properly later. Doh!!!!
I also managed to go round town today on crutches which if you pardon the pun is another big step forward and it felt great to be on that level in town for once. I bought a magazine with a free book that actually looks very good and a CD off my Amazon wishlist in Woolies so will go and update that as well.
Watched a bit of Live8. Think you have to be there really for the atmosphere and I have to say that none of them sounded outstanding singing live so I am wondering if the sound is a bit off. :-S
I started part 7 of MVIII and its going very quickly so looks like I maybe able to get the Medieval one going too.

Saskia did go

Yes Saskia did leave Big Brother and I am not entirely certain that her relationship with Maxwell is genuine but we will see. She came across worse than ever tonight and I was never sure about her anyway lol. Who is going next? Not sure it will be Maxwell now she has gone but most likely one of that group so I reckon Craig possibly or maybe Eugene but I guess its going to take awhile for them to settle in.
Otherwise life goes on and I am doing ok.

Well its the 1st of July

And its raining-how typical is that lol? However it is the start of the new Chatelaine mystery and the continuation of the others. Both that I am part of look great for this month and I can't wait to get stuck in. The new Medieval sampler looks very intriquing and the colours are wonderful.
After yesterdays events I am feeling suprisingly positive and I think alot of that is relief that decision is made and I now can move forward. Its not to say I don't feel enormously hurt by everything that has gone on and that tears wouldn't spring up if I thought too much about it but the reaction will come of that I am sure but for now I am doing ok. I did get a very nice email from the one person who has been good to me imploring me to change my mind but I think its gone too far for that, but I also know that him and his wife are totally on my side and that means alot.
One thing I did pack away and send on was my photos from the last two major events as although I love pictures and reliving memories I think these are just pictures that hold nothing but bad memories for me. I am not sure that the person I sent them too wants them either but he can then choose what becomes of them-it was important to me to just purge my house of every last vestige of the group.
Tonight is Big Brother eviction night and I really hope Saskia goes and I do think she will. She is sullen and I would like to see Maxwell how he really is when shes not around.