Thursday, June 30, 2005
Thank you to everyone who has supported me in the last few months as without that support I would have gone under and started to believe I was at fault in some way or other.
Now I look forward to diving into my stitching and ordering another few Chatelaines.
Still feeling VERY inadequate and as if I can do nothing right and I think that I have finally realised that everything that has happened over the last year and a bit and esp the last few months have dragged me down so far that somehow somewhere I have to start coming back up. I feel guilty that I have allowed myself to get in such a state but guilt is a major part of my life at the moment so thats nothing new. I guess there is never a quick fix for lifes problems and I know that I am very sensitive and brood on stuff for hours and although I rarely hold grudges I do feel things very deep and powerfully.
Oh well things can only get better, of that I am sure and it is July tomorrow so new stitching to come. :-)
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
One piece of good news is a friend of mine passed her driving test today. Congratulations!! :-)
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
I am really tired after the busy day today so off to bed soon but wanted to blog that piece of news and, also make a note that my wish-list is growing ever longer and they are all without exception more Chatelaine designs.
The other news I am waiting on is whether a new surgeon thinks I can have a transplant. This has been an issue that has rumbled on for 5 years or more with the original surgeon turning his back 3 years ago. Then a scan proved his reasons for saying no had never been valid but still he won't agree. When I saw my consultant 10 weeks ago he set up a meeting with the new surgeon which for one reason and another didn't happen and apparently they tried many times to meet up, so are going to get the two secretaries to try and organise them both-what would men do without us women eh? ;-) I am hoping I will hear before my next clinic in 3 months but I expect thats rather unlikely lol.
Other than that we went for a browse round The Mall at Cribbs and hired a wheelchair there and they don't charge which is really good. I bought my World of cross stitching magazine and some undies from Marks so not exactly last of the big spenders here lol.
Monday, June 27, 2005
I am also pondering other areas of my life such as what to do about going back to the group I was in and whether to go onto further study. I am pretty sure that the further study should wait a bit until I have some other aspects of life sorted out. I have until August 31st to start this year or it wouldn't be a huge major loss if I had to wait and start in February.
As for the group well I waver from yes to no lol but one thing I am sure of is this:IF I go back it will be on a smaller scale and I will keep it alot more professional. I think I have started to get my head round everything that has gone on and alot of the problem is the fact that they are mostly men, so are obviously no good on the emotional side of things. I have had a very bad 18 months for many different reasons and at times I have felt like I have been all alone in this even though there were times I did alot for them personally and professionally. However what has really hurt me is the fact that some of them claim to 'only be friends' with other girls but then seem to offer shed loads of support to them. In fact if I knew they were interested in them it would be easier for me to deal with as then I would realise they were just being men and its not a fundamental flaw in myself that makes them not want to support me. This has actually built up to be quite a big issue for me and at times its made me feel unworthy and that when I offered support it was grabbed but in return I get nothing. I know alot of this is a small amount of jealousy and resentment on my part for thinking that I would get as much back as I put in and has at times led me to feel used and then cast aside.
I have been re-reading Men are form Mars/Women are from Venus and some of that although alot of clap trap has put the male/female differences into context and made me realise that I have been expecting too much of them on a personal basis. It is a real shame though that some good friendships have been damaged by events lately and I am sad that has happened. I was like a pressure cooker though and it was only a matter of time when I boiled over and the fact I have so much going on its a wonder it didn't happen earlier.
But I hope that some lessons have been learn't by us all and whatever I decide to do it will be because it is truly right to do it and I will then have no regrets.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Once home I finished Christmas tree mandala garden by Chatelaine which you can see on the left. Tonight I plan to veg and try and have an early night as I feel pretty tired.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
If I do my Open University course and possibly go back to the support group on a small basis I will have to seriously consider culling my stash as I won't have time to stitch a lot. I would also be able to use some of this money towards the course fees etc as it doesn't look like I will get a whole lot of Government help. As luck would have it I saved a lot so in theory have enough money to pay for a full degree if I need to, but any extra is never unwelcome.
Friday, June 24, 2005
My posts are still not showing-if they ever do there will be alot to read.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Today I nipped to the hairdressers and had a slightly shorter bob created with a few more layers. I want to go for a drastic change but have no idea what or how so for now will just play with my base style and see what happens.
I wore the new Angel Lily perfume today which is the most subtle and I am in love with it so far. Will try another each day but may just end up getting them all-my poor, poor wallet.
Other than that I stitched a bit on MVIII and read in the garden so not an outstanding day but relaxing none the less.
I hope you will all be able to see my posts soon as I blogged yesterday and it is not showing despite the fact I can edit it and it says I have written something. Hopefully its a temporary blogger glitch and we will be up and running soon.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Today I also got my set of 3 perfumes I ordered on Ebay and they are all absolutely gorgeous so trying to decided which I like the best. What is nice is there is a big mix of light to heavy so suitable for all occassions.
Yesterday I got the scissor fob from Nordic Needle in the post and its absolutely wonderful-was so tempted to order another one for myself but I do have enough really as I have run out of scissors to put them on. That reminds me it is my friends birthday today so must send her a text in a bit to wish her a good one.
One other thing of note which I nearly forgot was last night Scully helped me with my blog template so now all links will open up for you in a new window. The night before that Kate helped me with my template so it all lined up so I am slowly but surely getting my blog how I would like it.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Finally I am seriously looking into the possibility of going back to studying. One of my biggest ambitions in life is to get a degree and I even got a place at Uni 9 years ago to do this but had to abandon it due to ill health. Since I have been unable to work I have not seen the point in getting a degree but I think the point is that its an ambition I want to fulfil, it will hopefully give me confidence, make new contacts plus all the other things it could bring I hadn't thought of. So I have been for some time looking at the open university and I am now going to properly look into this now and whether as someone with health problems I would be eligible for a grant.
Other than that my foot is also alot better and I also do not need to use crutches everywhere I go, so fingers crossed that in two weeks I may just get rid of this plaster.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Anyway I am enjoying both aspects of blogging-the creative designing of it and the actually writing in it.
Today has been a slow quiet day. After I got home at lunch I just chilled on the net and then edged a new piece of fabric for Midi 1 tryout which I will start once the Christmas mandala garden is complete-so with the rate I am going that will be some time off yet lol. Other than stitching and surfing there is nothing to report today except I did see a finished version of Chatelaines mini castles mysteries. I did the 4 gemstones last year and loved them and I 'quite' like these but its the colours and the tryout of the next one that is gradually sucking me in.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
My arm is stinging a bit although I was sat on the swing seat so think I may have caught the sun-must remember one new tablet for this year makes my skin more sensitive.
One rather interesting thing on the TV today was T4's party on the beach which was coming from our beach 2 miles away. I sat out for a bit while it was on and could just hear the shrieks as the wind was in the right direction. However I learn't stuff about Weston-Super-Mare today that I never knew:It has plastic palm trees on the beach and more shocking than that a nudist beach. I know they have to beef it up for the cameras and that negates the palm trees but really? to say there is a nudist beach where a majority of the population are retired on a show aimed at teenagers is taking good old W-S-M a bit far. To put it in its context it is obviously not a well known beach as I have lived in and around the resort for nearly 30 years and have never heard of it or unwittingly stumbled on it as I am sure I would remember that lol. But all in all it was a gorgeous summers day today so it did look at its best and apparently a good time was had by all.
Got a very busy week this week as I am out on Tues and Thurs so will relax tonight and gear myself up. This will be the third full week with my plaster and I must be more confident to be booking time to see friends etc. I think its because I now know they won't have to pick me up or break something when I fall on them lol.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Today I went into town but I got a bit freaked out as it was very busy and being in the chair made me feel rather vulnerable. As it is a seaside place it always gets busy by about 11:00am and there is a big teenage beach side thing tomorrow and the holiday makers are starting to come so it was a bit manic. I did get all I needed to get and then headed home for a browse through some magazines and then stitching on MVIII.
Last night I ordered some small pieces of fabric from Silkweaver to try out for Medieval town Mandala. I think I want a vintage medieval look to the fabric but some others lept out at me as being possibles as well. If none of those are any good it may just be antique white that I go for. I am finding I am spending alot at the moment but I tend to do that when I am stressed and worried but I know the money is there so I try not to feel guilty about it.
The group thing is slowly getting sorted in that I know where I stand now and what I do is my decision to make. However at this point in time I do feel jaded by it and some of the people in it and part of me says 'do not go there again' and the other part says 'it means alot to me how could I maintain some contact but protect myself'.
I am going to let things be for a bit as I have enough other stuff to cope with as in my foot and a big clinic appointment at the end of the month as well as every day life. I often find it a real blessing that stitching relaxes me so much otherwise I would go stir crazy.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Bad stuff is just same old stuff again and again.
On the plus side my order from Sewandso came this morning-you cannot beat that sort of service as in less than 24 hours from online order to delivery into my hot little hands. So tomorrow I will go and get some wrapping paper and will shortly go off and make the card. So far the scissor fob hasn't arrived so I will send it on as soon as it does-sure she will enjoy the extra present lol.
Tonight is Big brother eviction night and I would like Sam to go. I like Derek I think he brings alot of stability and amusement to the group whereas Sam appears to do very little. Mind you I am sure whoever it is their outfit will not surpass Lesley's from last week lol-not even sure ANY outfit can ever surpass that one heeheee.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
I got a phone call from the head of the group I left and that set me off even more because although it isn't all totally my fault there is alot of deep running threads going through this that its become a big part of how I am feeling. I suppose I still feel I let my friend who died down by walking away and if I had stuck with it then maybe we could have all pulled together more. But on reflection I think I am not realising that I am only one person and can only do so much, but it is part of my natural character to sort things and make things right again.
Other than that my order from this morning is on its way. Unfortunately I found out that my friend is going to be away for her birthday so will get her presents and card late. If I had known or remembered (can't be sure she didn't tell me) then I would have been more organised. Thankfully she is very forgiving and I am sure she won't mind and on the plus side the fob might have arrived too. I just hope as she is away camping the forecast for the weekend stays like it is supposed to be for the whole week and she has a nice break.
The cat is still being neurotic about my crutches and I imagine he will just be getting used to them when it all reverts to normal and even that will probably spook him.
Off to browse the boards before settling down for lunch and some more sewing on MVIII-about to start corner 3.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Other than that I am taking my rest time as a good chance to catch up on MVIII and am nearly half way through this part. I did start around the 1st but put it down for awhile so if I plug on I should get it done in time for part 7. Then I also hope to finish xmas tree Mandala by the same designer this month and once I am out of plaster I can then go back to my structured rotation. Oh and inbetween I plan on stitching the try out for Midi mystery 1 in time for an early July start of the full piece. I have been calling this by the wrong title for ages as I thought it was a small L not 1 but luckily I have managed to sign up for the right project and buy the correct kit.
One slight bit of amusement is my ginger cat Taffy who is in the picture is rather easily spooked. He freaked at my wheel chair and went ballistic at the crutches. He is not a cat to move fast but when I opened the door to let him out he shot out like he had a rocket beneath him and also made some rather strange movements to avoid the crutches. You would think at the grand old age of 15 he would realise I am just me and he is in no danger at any point. But then if he did relax he wouldn't be the cat we know and love and we really wouldn't have him any other way.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Other than that I stitched on MVIII this morning and added a visit counter to my blog this afternoon. I am getting the hang of this HTML malarky and have now moved it and got it in the colours I wanted. Look out for some further updates here as the days go on.
This evening I plan on stitching and surfing for a bit then having an earlish night with my book-Restoring Grace by Katie Fforde.
Monday, June 13, 2005
The not so good stuff of this evening is that I seem to have two distinct camps in my life. My stitching friends are nothing but fab and I know they are there just for a chat or a laugh about anything and everything. The other camp is the people left in the voluntary group. I kind of feel left out in the cold. I have been feeling like this for quite some time now and I think alot of it is to do with the fact that all but one of them are male and although we all get on its not going to be the same easy going relationship that it is with other females. I also believe it is because the girl who set up the group died last year and we were extremely close and were on the phone several times a week for at least an hour at a time talking about anything and everything. So I miss her interaction in the group as well as her as a friend and nothing has felt quite right since. One of my main problems is I feel that in some ways because I was so close to her I should have had more support from them in the last few months but instead I found myself supporting them through it all and when I really started to suffer with it I went through it alone. However it never helps to know that they are all talking to others who are supposedly in need but no one contacts me. I have an inferiority complex at the best of times but this makes me wonder even more if I am a good friend or if maybe my strong exterior fools people as to how the inside feels just a little too well.
Anyway thats enough of that as I want this to be a happy place and not full of the times I feel miserable. After all I shouldn't tar them all with the same brush because one or two have been very good to me and even if I walk away permanently I have made some good friends and some really great memories.
So why the fireside cat? Well I like cats and I tend to stitch by the fire, but I also think of firesides as being warm cosy places which is what I would like my blog to be. I have thought for over a year about creating a blog and actually started one way back when but couldn't remember what it was called or anything about it. So on impulse I have decided to start over and this is for several reasons:
1). I feel like I need somewhere to talk about my feelings as I am not great at opening up to other people in case they judge or get bored of me.
2). I am feeling a trifle lonely after walking away from a voluntary organisation I helped out for (although may go back in a smaller way) but I was feeling alone in it anyway so that in itself hasn't changed.
3). I would like a record of my life I can easily look back on and especially of the stitching I accomplish along the way.
Thats the reasons really and on with todays events:
I had my dialysis this morning and talk about the caring and sharing NHS-the care assistant who came to wheel me in decided she could handle my crutches for me and promptly hit me over the head with them. I just dissolved into hysterics and kept winding her up on and off all morning lol. I should make it clear at this point for new readers that I am only in a wheelchair and on crutches temporarily as I fell in a dip in the pavement and broke my foot 9 days ago and will be in a dinky fushia ankle length plaster for at least another 3 weeks. After escaping from the unit I came home and had a lovely package waiting for me from the postie. I got my Chatelaine Midi Mystery 1 kit and its as beautiful as ever. I also got a card from my friend Jane's mum and dad to commisserate on the foot which was also very nice of them and its a beautiful card which someone had obviously painted and had made up-it has trailing red flowers and is very arty.
Other than that the rest of the day will be spent stitching MVIII part 6 and generally chilling out.