Monday, June 27, 2005

Feeling anxious

Today everything is weighing on my mind and that is because I have clinic very soon and although I get anxious each time I go this time I am expecting some news on 3 fairly big issues. Most likely I will be none the wiser and have no news whatsoever but knowing news could be coming puts me on a knife edge.
I am also pondering other areas of my life such as what to do about going back to the group I was in and whether to go onto further study. I am pretty sure that the further study should wait a bit until I have some other aspects of life sorted out. I have until August 31st to start this year or it wouldn't be a huge major loss if I had to wait and start in February.
As for the group well I waver from yes to no lol but one thing I am sure of is this:IF I go back it will be on a smaller scale and I will keep it alot more professional. I think I have started to get my head round everything that has gone on and alot of the problem is the fact that they are mostly men, so are obviously no good on the emotional side of things. I have had a very bad 18 months for many different reasons and at times I have felt like I have been all alone in this even though there were times I did alot for them personally and professionally. However what has really hurt me is the fact that some of them claim to 'only be friends' with other girls but then seem to offer shed loads of support to them. In fact if I knew they were interested in them it would be easier for me to deal with as then I would realise they were just being men and its not a fundamental flaw in myself that makes them not want to support me. This has actually built up to be quite a big issue for me and at times its made me feel unworthy and that when I offered support it was grabbed but in return I get nothing. I know alot of this is a small amount of jealousy and resentment on my part for thinking that I would get as much back as I put in and has at times led me to feel used and then cast aside.
I have been re-reading Men are form Mars/Women are from Venus and some of that although alot of clap trap has put the male/female differences into context and made me realise that I have been expecting too much of them on a personal basis. It is a real shame though that some good friendships have been damaged by events lately and I am sad that has happened. I was like a pressure cooker though and it was only a matter of time when I boiled over and the fact I have so much going on its a wonder it didn't happen earlier.
But I hope that some lessons have been learn't by us all and whatever I decide to do it will be because it is truly right to do it and I will then have no regrets.

1 comment:

Lorna said...

A lot of what you say strikes a chord with me Michelle. It reminds me of the Gingerbread group I met DH at. Most of the men there were the same way, including DH I realise now. He seemed to be the only genuine one at the time but it was probably because he was interested in me. Most of the men there I wanted to hit over the head with a blunt instrument. lol