Making steps forward

Tonight I have made a considerable step forward as following a row on msn with one of my fellow committee members I realised what I knew all along that it was now impossible for me to stay. With this in mind I have boxed up everything I own with respects to the group I was involved with and am sending it all away and cutting ties with everyone involved. There is one person who has been good to me who I hope to keep in contact with but otherwise I hope this will lead to a better happier me.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me in the last few months as without that support I would have gone under and started to believe I was at fault in some way or other.
Now I look forward to diving into my stitching and ordering another few Chatelaines.

Slightly better

Today I am still a bit tearful and so, so tired but better than 24 hours ago. I am still at the point that I feel I will never get over everything that has happened and it is festering as an open wound would. How it can close and heal though I don't know at this point in time. :-(
Still feeling VERY inadequate and as if I can do nothing right and I think that I have finally realised that everything that has happened over the last year and a bit and esp the last few months have dragged me down so far that somehow somewhere I have to start coming back up. I feel guilty that I have allowed myself to get in such a state but guilt is a major part of my life at the moment so thats nothing new. I guess there is never a quick fix for lifes problems and I know that I am very sensitive and brood on stuff for hours and although I rarely hold grudges I do feel things very deep and powerfully.
Oh well things can only get better, of that I am sure and it is July tomorrow so new stitching to come. :-)

Not a good day

I vowed to post every day here so only will record that today I am tired and cranky and cried and slept and missed tea. Why oh why can my head not just take a break lol.
One piece of good news is a friend of mine passed her driving test today. Congratulations!! :-)

Feeling quite chuffed

Remember the picture of the Christmas mandala I posted here a couple of days ago? Well my conversion has been used and added as a permanent link on the designers bulletin board on request from another member. I really did not change much with the design but I am pleased to have had my stitching recognised if only to a small extent.
I am really tired after the busy day today so off to bed soon but wanted to blog that piece of news and, also make a note that my wish-list is growing ever longer and they are all without exception more Chatelaine designs.

Back from clinic

And there is mixed news. I got two of the three things sorted and both led to good news. I have found out that I was probably so immobile and unwell earlier in the year because of one tablet I was taking. There were fears it could be a serious dialysis complication but my consultant thinks thats unlikely. The second thing is the issue with my foot and whether it broke because dialysis is weakening my bones. But he looked back on the bone scan I had in February and that was completely normal. This in itself is very good news as someone who has been kidney patient and on dialysis as long as I have could well expect to be weaker in the bones and certainly not show as having completely normal bones in the scans.
The other news I am waiting on is whether a new surgeon thinks I can have a transplant. This has been an issue that has rumbled on for 5 years or more with the original surgeon turning his back 3 years ago. Then a scan proved his reasons for saying no had never been valid but still he won't agree. When I saw my consultant 10 weeks ago he set up a meeting with the new surgeon which for one reason and another didn't happen and apparently they tried many times to meet up, so are going to get the two secretaries to try and organise them both-what would men do without us women eh? ;-) I am hoping I will hear before my next clinic in 3 months but I expect thats rather unlikely lol.
Other than that we went for a browse round The Mall at Cribbs and hired a wheelchair there and they don't charge which is really good. I bought my World of cross stitching magazine and some undies from Marks so not exactly last of the big spenders here lol.

Feeling anxious

Today everything is weighing on my mind and that is because I have clinic very soon and although I get anxious each time I go this time I am expecting some news on 3 fairly big issues. Most likely I will be none the wiser and have no news whatsoever but knowing news could be coming puts me on a knife edge.
I am also pondering other areas of my life such as what to do about going back to the group I was in and whether to go onto further study. I am pretty sure that the further study should wait a bit until I have some other aspects of life sorted out. I have until August 31st to start this year or it wouldn't be a huge major loss if I had to wait and start in February.
As for the group well I waver from yes to no lol but one thing I am sure of is this:IF I go back it will be on a smaller scale and I will keep it alot more professional. I think I have started to get my head round everything that has gone on and alot of the problem is the fact that they are mostly men, so are obviously no good on the emotional side of things. I have had a very bad 18 months for many different reasons and at times I have felt like I have been all alone in this even though there were times I did alot for them personally and professionally. However what has really hurt me is the fact that some of them claim to 'only be friends' with other girls but then seem to offer shed loads of support to them. In fact if I knew they were interested in them it would be easier for me to deal with as then I would realise they were just being men and its not a fundamental flaw in myself that makes them not want to support me. This has actually built up to be quite a big issue for me and at times its made me feel unworthy and that when I offered support it was grabbed but in return I get nothing. I know alot of this is a small amount of jealousy and resentment on my part for thinking that I would get as much back as I put in and has at times led me to feel used and then cast aside.
I have been re-reading Men are form Mars/Women are from Venus and some of that although alot of clap trap has put the male/female differences into context and made me realise that I have been expecting too much of them on a personal basis. It is a real shame though that some good friendships have been damaged by events lately and I am sad that has happened. I was like a pressure cooker though and it was only a matter of time when I boiled over and the fact I have so much going on its a wonder it didn't happen earlier.
But I hope that some lessons have been learn't by us all and whatever I decide to do it will be because it is truly right to do it and I will then have no regrets.

Another relaxing day

This is becoming a bit of a habit lately lol. We did go for dads birthday lunch and at just the right time it would seem. The restraunt we chose stopped taking reserve bookings a few months ago but when we turned up at lunch time most of the tables were already booked-apparently there has been a change of policy. A party of 33 were expected so we managed to order have a leisurely lunch and be gone before they turned up.
Once home I finished Christmas tree mandala garden by Chatelaine which you can see on the left. Tonight I plan to veg and try and have an early night as I feel pretty tired.

Days update

Today has been 'relaxingly productive'. This morning I listed all my stash into files on my computer for ease of cross referencing and to try and decide what I could bear to part with. I then put some stuff up for sale on the various bulletin boards I visit. Then I managed to get my blog altered so you could all actually see it-Thanks to Kate again for her help.

After this whirlwind of frenzy I stitched this evening on Chatelaines xmas tree Mandala. I should happy dance this tomorrow or Monday at the latest as I have just a few beads to go. Then I will get stuck into my rotation for a couple of days before starting the try out for the Sampler Mystery that begins on Friday. I must remember I have to also edge the fabric in some fashion for this as well before next weekend.

On the other parts of life I am starting to get anxiety attacks again but I know this is mostly down to the fact that I have alot going on at the moment and once some of that is 'sorted' they will ease right off. But most of it I have no control over anway so I am trying to be laid back and keep myself busy until everything becomes clearer in my mind.

MVIII Part 6 finished

I finished this last part with a week to spare last night whilst watching Big Brothers eviction night. I am really pleased with how its coming along but I am still in two minds whether to sign up for the big mystery next year.
If I do my Open University course and possibly go back to the support group on a small basis I will have to seriously consider culling my stash as I won't have time to stitch a lot. I would also be able to use some of this money towards the course fees etc as it doesn't look like I will get a whole lot of Government help. As luck would have it I saved a lot so in theory have enough money to pay for a full degree if I need to, but any extra is never unwelcome.

Slow day

Well today has been long and a little boring. I was at the hospital this afternoon as a favour for another patient so spent the morning on MVIII. Felt really tired at the hospital so dozed and read magazines and then they wouldn't let me go home until my blood pressure went up a bit. But it did (very slightly) and now I am home going to change into my jammies and veg out watching big brother and try and finish this part of MVIII.
My posts are still not showing-if they ever do there will be alot to read.

What gorgeous weather

WOW the weather is fantastic.

Today I nipped to the hairdressers and had a slightly shorter bob created with a few more layers. I want to go for a drastic change but have no idea what or how so for now will just play with my base style and see what happens.
I wore the new Angel Lily perfume today which is the most subtle and I am in love with it so far. Will try another each day but may just end up getting them all-my poor, poor wallet.
Other than that I stitched a bit on MVIII and read in the garden so not an outstanding day but relaxing none the less.
I hope you will all be able to see my posts soon as I blogged yesterday and it is not showing despite the fact I can edit it and it says I have written something. Hopefully its a temporary blogger glitch and we will be up and running soon.

Just got plastered

Unfortunately I didn't have a boozy lunch but I am now sporting a nice BLUE plaster on my foot. Luckily its same foot/same injury. I had noticed over the last few days that the pink plaster was feeling loose and on one or two occasions I almost had to bang it back into place. I convinced myself I was imagining it for a bit but then decided on having it checked out as it said get in contact if it feels loose. I rolled up at the front entrance of the hospital at 2:00pm and was back in the car at 2:25pm which is probably the quickest I have ever been to a hospital appointment lol.
Today I also got my set of 3 perfumes I ordered on Ebay and they are all absolutely gorgeous so trying to decided which I like the best. What is nice is there is a big mix of light to heavy so suitable for all occassions.
Yesterday I got the scissor fob from Nordic Needle in the post and its absolutely wonderful-was so tempted to order another one for myself but I do have enough really as I have run out of scissors to put them on. That reminds me it is my friends birthday today so must send her a text in a bit to wish her a good one.
One other thing of note which I nearly forgot was last night Scully helped me with my blog template so now all links will open up for you in a new window. The night before that Kate helped me with my template so it all lined up so I am slowly but surely getting my blog how I would like it.

A day of changes

Today has been a day when I turned the corner on several aspects of my life that have been irking me. I met with a friend today and the weather was so nice we hot footed it to Bristol city centre and had a long chat about life and stuff and she put alot of what I am feeling in a new perspective. It made me take a step back and consider stuff and I think I am that much closer to finding an answer to what I wish to do about the group I left. I left this morning feeling very anxious and worried but have come home though emotional for many reasons I also feel calmer and more centred than I have for a number of months. During our stay in Bristol we had lunch and then a boat ride and then drinks and cake. We did aim to go up in the tethered balloon but apparently it was too windy today so that will be reserved for next time.
Finally I am seriously looking into the possibility of going back to studying. One of my biggest ambitions in life is to get a degree and I even got a place at Uni 9 years ago to do this but had to abandon it due to ill health. Since I have been unable to work I have not seen the point in getting a degree but I think the point is that its an ambition I want to fulfil, it will hopefully give me confidence, make new contacts plus all the other things it could bring I hadn't thought of. So I have been for some time looking at the open university and I am now going to properly look into this now and whether as someone with health problems I would be eligible for a grant.
Other than that my foot is also alot better and I also do not need to use crutches everywhere I go, so fingers crossed that in two weeks I may just get rid of this plaster.

On number of visitors

On first look it would appear my blog was highly entertaining and had a huge volume of traffic for just a week old but most of those visitors were myself updating and generally fiddling around with the look of it lol.
Anyway I am enjoying both aspects of blogging-the creative designing of it and the actually writing in it.
Today has been a slow quiet day. After I got home at lunch I just chilled on the net and then edged a new piece of fabric for Midi 1 tryout which I will start once the Christmas mandala garden is complete-so with the rate I am going that will be some time off yet lol. Other than stitching and surfing there is nothing to report today except I did see a finished version of Chatelaines mini castles mysteries. I did the 4 gemstones last year and loved them and I 'quite' like these but its the colours and the tryout of the next one that is gradually sucking me in.

Relaxing day

I have had one of the most relaxing days in ages today. I have finished the third corner of MVIII, sat in the garden, made my friends birthday card and wrapped her presents ready for postage and watched TV. I didn't do these all at the same time or in that order but together they combine to be a great day.
My arm is stinging a bit although I was sat on the swing seat so think I may have caught the sun-must remember one new tablet for this year makes my skin more sensitive.
One rather interesting thing on the TV today was T4's party on the beach which was coming from our beach 2 miles away. I sat out for a bit while it was on and could just hear the shrieks as the wind was in the right direction. However I learn't stuff about Weston-Super-Mare today that I never knew:It has plastic palm trees on the beach and more shocking than that a nudist beach. I know they have to beef it up for the cameras and that negates the palm trees but really? to say there is a nudist beach where a majority of the population are retired on a show aimed at teenagers is taking good old W-S-M a bit far. To put it in its context it is obviously not a well known beach as I have lived in and around the resort for nearly 30 years and have never heard of it or unwittingly stumbled on it as I am sure I would remember that lol. But all in all it was a gorgeous summers day today so it did look at its best and apparently a good time was had by all.
Got a very busy week this week as I am out on Tues and Thurs so will relax tonight and gear myself up. This will be the third full week with my plaster and I must be more confident to be booking time to see friends etc. I think its because I now know they won't have to pick me up or break something when I fall on them lol.

Summers here

Wow at long last it is sunny and warm.

Today I went into town but I got a bit freaked out as it was very busy and being in the chair made me feel rather vulnerable. As it is a seaside place it always gets busy by about 11:00am and there is a big teenage beach side thing tomorrow and the holiday makers are starting to come so it was a bit manic. I did get all I needed to get and then headed home for a browse through some magazines and then stitching on MVIII.
Last night I ordered some small pieces of fabric from Silkweaver to try out for Medieval town Mandala. I think I want a vintage medieval look to the fabric but some others lept out at me as being possibles as well. If none of those are any good it may just be antique white that I go for. I am finding I am spending alot at the moment but I tend to do that when I am stressed and worried but I know the money is there so I try not to feel guilty about it.
The group thing is slowly getting sorted in that I know where I stand now and what I do is my decision to make. However at this point in time I do feel jaded by it and some of the people in it and part of me says 'do not go there again' and the other part says 'it means alot to me how could I maintain some contact but protect myself'.
I am going to let things be for a bit as I have enough other stuff to cope with as in my foot and a big clinic appointment at the end of the month as well as every day life. I often find it a real blessing that stitching relaxes me so much otherwise I would go stir crazy.

A day of differences

Well today got better and then a bit worse again. On the better side of things I have been researching summer fragrances and have noticed that Thierry Mugler's Angel has 3 new ones out just for summer. I in turn saw that you could get a gift set of 3 little ones to try. I looked on ebay both yesterday and today and found a set on buy it now at £13 with 100% feedback for the guy so I ordered them. So you get 3 5ml bottle of Angel with overtones of peony, violet and lily-one smell in each. That way if I like one then I can order it online and if not I haven't wasted loads of money.
Bad stuff is just same old stuff again and again.

Well Friday dawned

And I do not feel any better. I have come to the conclusion once and for all that whatever happens from here on it has to STOP as I am liable to make myself really ill if I carry on stressing so much.
On the plus side my order from Sewandso came this morning-you cannot beat that sort of service as in less than 24 hours from online order to delivery into my hot little hands. So tomorrow I will go and get some wrapping paper and will shortly go off and make the card. So far the scissor fob hasn't arrived so I will send it on as soon as it does-sure she will enjoy the extra present lol.
Tonight is Big brother eviction night and I would like Sam to go. I like Derek I think he brings alot of stability and amusement to the group whereas Sam appears to do very little. Mind you I am sure whoever it is their outfit will not surpass Lesley's from last week lol-not even sure ANY outfit can ever surpass that one heeheee.

This evening

I have been tearful this evening and I am feeling that I am at a point where I don't know if I will ever feel better. I have so much going on in my life and the pressure is getting too much again. What I think I will have to do is work out the things I can sort and then try and let go of the rest of it until it gets sorted one way or another.
I got a phone call from the head of the group I left and that set me off even more because although it isn't all totally my fault there is alot of deep running threads going through this that its become a big part of how I am feeling. I suppose I still feel I let my friend who died down by walking away and if I had stuck with it then maybe we could have all pulled together more. But on reflection I think I am not realising that I am only one person and can only do so much, but it is part of my natural character to sort things and make things right again.
Other than that my order from this morning is on its way. Unfortunately I found out that my friend is going to be away for her birthday so will get her presents and card late. If I had known or remembered (can't be sure she didn't tell me) then I would have been more organised. Thankfully she is very forgiving and I am sure she won't mind and on the plus side the fob might have arrived too. I just hope as she is away camping the forecast for the weekend stays like it is supposed to be for the whole week and she has a nice break.
The cat is still being neurotic about my crutches and I imagine he will just be getting used to them when it all reverts to normal and even that will probably spook him.

Why is it?

I pop to sewandso to place a 'small' order for my friends birthday and I end up spending nearly £37. Well for a start I decided to get two similar kits for my friend in case one had sold out. Then I also wanted to buy her a nice pair of scissors as I bought a new fob for her birthday (still waiting for that to come from USA). So as you do you have a good old browse and I found myself looking at the magnetic boards which although I have been tempted with before I now realised I 'need' one. This is because I am sitting on the chair to stitch while my foot is healing and the charts keep falling off the arm. So that took us to £25 odd pound. The rest was spent on the Just Nan birth sampler which although I have always liked I knew no need to buy it. But I found out a little while back friends of mine were expecting their first baby so the light bulb went on and its now on its way with a darling rabbit charm. I have wanted to find something for awhile for them and hummed and ahhed over various cute samplers etc but I think this is much more 'them'.
Off to browse the boards before settling down for lunch and some more sewing on MVIII-about to start corner 3.

Good day

Today I have made some good progress in a couple of areas. I managed to not get in my wheel chair at all today and walked everywhere with the crutches. Considering it was a dialysis day that is a slightly bigger achievement than it would usually be. I have had alot of bad aches and pains for months now which were improving at the time of the accident and ironically around the same time I said to my mum I need a rest, both physically and mentally. So as I am forced to rest on the physical side I am trying to give myself some head space. To that effect I am using my other 'select' msn account so I just have the few stitchers to talk to who lift me up. To this end it is doing me some good but me being me I am pondering one question. None of the people in my other msn account have seen me since Saturday and only one has emailed me to say hello. She is a lady who I email most days anyway so we are in that routine. However none of these others know where I am and if I am ok-so I am pondering what this means. Do they realise I need space? This is unlikely as I told several of them before I needed some time away and didn't get it so why would that change now. Or have these people just not noticed I am not around and actually either don't care enough/can't be bothered to find out if I am ok. So although when I can block this niggle out I am getting lots of rest I still wonder where some of these relationships are destined to go.
Other than that I am taking my rest time as a good chance to catch up on MVIII and am nearly half way through this part. I did start around the 1st but put it down for awhile so if I plug on I should get it done in time for part 7. Then I also hope to finish xmas tree Mandala by the same designer this month and once I am out of plaster I can then go back to my structured rotation. Oh and inbetween I plan on stitching the try out for Midi mystery 1 in time for an early July start of the full piece. I have been calling this by the wrong title for ages as I thought it was a small L not 1 but luckily I have managed to sign up for the right project and buy the correct kit.
One slight bit of amusement is my ginger cat Taffy who is in the picture is rather easily spooked. He freaked at my wheel chair and went ballistic at the crutches. He is not a cat to move fast but when I opened the door to let him out he shot out like he had a rocket beneath him and also made some rather strange movements to avoid the crutches. You would think at the grand old age of 15 he would realise I am just me and he is in no danger at any point. But then if he did relax he wouldn't be the cat we know and love and we really wouldn't have him any other way.

On my feet

Today has so far been a good one. I have finally managed to get up on my feet and walk a bit with the aid of the crutches. I was stuck in my chair before or trying not to fall over if I used the crutches. Now it is not as sore to put my foot down with my weight bearing shoe so it looks like I am more mobile than before.
Other than that I stitched on MVIII this morning and added a visit counter to my blog this afternoon. I am getting the hang of this HTML malarky and have now moved it and got it in the colours I wanted. Look out for some further updates here as the days go on.
This evening I plan on stitching and surfing for a bit then having an earlish night with my book-Restoring Grace by Katie Fforde.

Unleashing the creativity

I know I have it in me to be creative but I am not any good at drawing etc but during the evening after long chats with Claire I am learning how to unleash it on the blogging world-heaven help you all. Its early days at the moment but I am hoping that I will have a lovely blog to look at and read eventually.
The not so good stuff of this evening is that I seem to have two distinct camps in my life. My stitching friends are nothing but fab and I know they are there just for a chat or a laugh about anything and everything. The other camp is the people left in the voluntary group. I kind of feel left out in the cold. I have been feeling like this for quite some time now and I think alot of it is to do with the fact that all but one of them are male and although we all get on its not going to be the same easy going relationship that it is with other females. I also believe it is because the girl who set up the group died last year and we were extremely close and were on the phone several times a week for at least an hour at a time talking about anything and everything. So I miss her interaction in the group as well as her as a friend and nothing has felt quite right since. One of my main problems is I feel that in some ways because I was so close to her I should have had more support from them in the last few months but instead I found myself supporting them through it all and when I really started to suffer with it I went through it alone. However it never helps to know that they are all talking to others who are supposedly in need but no one contacts me. I have an inferiority complex at the best of times but this makes me wonder even more if I am a good friend or if maybe my strong exterior fools people as to how the inside feels just a little too well.
Anyway thats enough of that as I want this to be a happy place and not full of the times I feel miserable. After all I shouldn't tar them all with the same brush because one or two have been very good to me and even if I walk away permanently I have made some good friends and some really great memories.

My first post

So why the fireside cat? Well I like cats and I tend to stitch by the fire, but I also think of firesides as being warm cosy places which is what I would like my blog to be. I have thought for over a year about creating a blog and actually started one way back when but couldn't remember what it was called or anything about it. So on impulse I have decided to start over and this is for several reasons:

1). I feel like I need somewhere to talk about my feelings as I am not great at opening up to other people in case they judge or get bored of me.
2). I am feeling a trifle lonely after walking away from a voluntary organisation I helped out for (although may go back in a smaller way) but I was feeling alone in it anyway so that in itself hasn't changed.
3). I would like a record of my life I can easily look back on and especially of the stitching I accomplish along the way.

Thats the reasons really and on with todays events:

I had my dialysis this morning and talk about the caring and sharing NHS-the care assistant who came to wheel me in decided she could handle my crutches for me and promptly hit me over the head with them. I just dissolved into hysterics and kept winding her up on and off all morning lol. I should make it clear at this point for new readers that I am only in a wheelchair and on crutches temporarily as I fell in a dip in the pavement and broke my foot 9 days ago and will be in a dinky fushia ankle length plaster for at least another 3 weeks. After escaping from the unit I came home and had a lovely package waiting for me from the postie. I got my Chatelaine Midi Mystery 1 kit and its as beautiful as ever. I also got a card from my friend Jane's mum and dad to commisserate on the foot which was also very nice of them and its a beautiful card which someone had obviously painted and had made up-it has trailing red flowers and is very arty.
Other than that the rest of the day will be spent stitching MVIII part 6 and generally chilling out.