Friday, February 03, 2006

Whats been happening in the last week?

Well this last week has been mostly ok but there have been some down points. Lets look at the good first. I managed to reach the final in the Silkweavers contest with this:

I was really pleased as this was the first time I entered the competition and out of the 4 pieces I submitted this was my favourite. It was also the only one I didn't stitch in mind for the competition but just liked the threads on the fabric and the scan came out well too.
Also good is that the new machines started to arrive at the unit last week and I have now been on them 3 times. I can honestly say I don't feel as drained after dialysis each time on these and I am hoping this is good for the future as we will have 10 of these eventually. I should get to be on them most of the time as I need a special facility on them to help me not develop a long-term condition, which they felt I may have but its looking likely it was something else more minor. Actual results come out on this at my next clinic appointment but as the symptoms have gone with making my calcium higher I think it was probably that.
The bad is all wrapped up round this illness. I have felt mostly ok but I am to say the least tortured about what to do in regards my transplant options. Since walking away from the group it hightlights how isolated I also feel now in the kidney world, but that began even before Sara's death. We were each others kidney rock as well as normal every day life supporters and its so difficult to bear the loss. I just so miss the phone ringing every other day for a gossip and general chat. If Sara wasn't ringing me I often rang her and it was few days that would pass without us speaking either about the group and work we were doing or just about anything and everything.
Its funny as I have had many good friends in my life and a couple go back to school or college days but there was just something about this friendship. It was the kind that makes you believe you have known each other forever, the kind that knows exactly what that person felt about most things. In a nutshell it was a rare thing which makes it all the more difficult to bear. There are only one or two people who understand what it mean't and it was a wholly mutual thing and its going to be almost impossible to find again. Which is why 7-8 months on from leaving the group it hurts as if it was yesterday and I still ask what I could have done different. Could I have changed the course of events? Could I have coped with it better? Was I wrong to walk away? But each time I come back with a resounding no as it was a set of circumstances and people coming together at a time that wasn't good for me. I wonder if I hadn't had so many health concerns and if I wasn't grieving the loss of a loved friend and determined to keep it how she wanted then maybe it could have been different. But maybe some things are mean't to be and for whatever reason it was my turn to leave.
Maybe I wouldn't have done my course if I hadn't walked away and that is going well and I am doing lots of research into the next one. I have narrowed it down to about 4 lol but at the moment I am seeing how it goes as new courses and pathways are opening up all the time.
Ultimately who knows why some things happen and what the meaning of life is and with the transplant issue I have been considering this alot lately. I have made some decisions which involve me having to have my say over the 4 + years of error and taking it from there. But as usual wherever life takes me I have good friends to see me through and great projects to stitch and knit.:-)

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