Saturday, May 16, 2009

Hello

I thought it was about time I wrote an update here as it has been awhile now. To cut a very long story short I simply haven't felt like blogging, which I think is down to a couple of reasons. I am extremely busy with my course and have absolutely loved it and after a day tutorial at the weekend I am feeling a bit more confident about the exam. I have the final big assignment result to come though which could make or break my grade even before I have opened the exam paper. I have kept up my average from previous courses which is something and learnt alot but there have been difficulties along the way. The major one being my health which has been up and down this year and one of the big problems is with my blood pressure. It has been too low for a long time, but lately it is getting to the point where I am scared of the numbers that are appearing. I have been on medication for it but that is no longer working, so have come off and then partially back on it to see if it can be stabalised a bit. I think I am scared of the worry it may get even lower and the thought of operations-particularly a transplant. I already know it could jeopodise it as it could compromise the blood flow and thus killing the new organ off. I know I would need specialist drugs in theatre and ICU to keep it up higher to try and stop this but despite being told they work well I am less than believing that they will. I do wonder with having so many issues surrounding the liklihood of sucess if it is even fair to accept an offer when someone could take it and have a higher guarantee of a better outcome. But I also feel that if the surgeons are happy to go ahead then they must think there is a reasonable chance this will work and that I also need a break away from the rigors of dialysis.
Therefore all this and more has been going round in my head for some months now and I haven't been able to talk to anyone. I know I have upset and made people feel excluded from my life, but until now it has all seemed too huge for me to process, let alone explain it to others. I want to say sorry to all those who have felt like this and it really wasn't personal, but was the only coping mechanism I had at the time.
I started to write this blog on Saturday and left it for a few days and decided to finish it off today whilst I have some time. I haven't felt like doing much today as yesterday was one of those days where it goes wrong from beginning to end. Before I even left for dialysis Mack had almost strangled himself in the vertical blinds, Mabel was hobbling around and I had come out in a rash. The cats are ok now and the rash is a form of hives I get-don't ask me why as the doctors know its a reaction but we can't pin it down to anything so far. Anyway this time I had assoicated joint pain too so took some painkillers and went to dialysis. I got home mid afternoon having had no dialysis as there was a major fault in the plumbing mechanism so we were told to be prepared to return in the evening or possibly go elsewhere. In the end I was given two options to either go that evening to a unit in Bath which is about an hour away or go into my own this morning but with no guarantees the water would be fixed-so still end up somewhere else. As I had slighlty more fluid on than usual and knowing it is difficult to get off if it went up much more and with no guarantees the unit would be ok today we took the Bath option. It was a beautiful drive over as it is was really pituresque as we go the country way as it is more straightforward for the unit. However it was not so nice coming home as the twisty roads in the dark were awful. Luckily my parents had already agreed to take me if I had to go a long way and I was so appreciative they did as by the time we left I was shattered and tried to sleep but the roads were too bad. By the time we got home at just gone midnight I went straight to bed and mum and dad were not long after.
Sorry this has been a gloomy blog but in better news my stitching rotation is going really well and if you want to see any pictures there is a link in the side bar. I have just finished another whole rotation so there will be some more pictures coming up very soon.

6 comments:

Daffycat said...

I'm just glad to hear you are okay. I've been wondering how you were. ***hugs***

Paula said...

Lovely to hear from you Michelle. Lots of hugs and I hope things are better soon.

Karoline said...

Good to hear from you {{{{Michelle}}}}

Sam said...

{{{Michelle}}} It sounds as if you have been really going through the mill and you must have given a lot of thought to the possibility of a transplant. I would agree that the surgeons wouldn't have suggested it if there wasn't a good chance of success but only you (and the doctors) know what is best for you. Keeping you in my thoughts xx

Scully said...

Loads of hugs Michelle. Take care of yourself honey and only blog when YOU want to...the rest of us can wait :)

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